Friday, 29 July 2011

Some of my recent thoughts..

Did you know, the average human being breathes between 18,000 and 30,000 times a day..

Now how many of those do you cherish? Everyone says every breath is precious, but would you really treasure something you do that many times a day and something your body automatically does without thought?
What if you had to fight for each of those little breaths?
Do you think they'd become a little more precious if you knew you might only have a certain amount left in your body??

I don't know about you, but I do.

I haven't wrote a blog lately because I'm struggling. Each breath is becoming more and more difficult and I am having to think about breathing, it's not an automatic thing anymore. I laid in the bath last night, trying to take deep breaths and I couldn't, I just had to gasp, gasp, fight, fight and fight some more.
Suddenly that thing you automatically do upto 30,000 times a day, seems a little more significant and a little less of an unconscious act..

So that is where I am right now.
That is why sometimes when people wonder why I've said "I don't feel well today" yet there I am, make up on, smile on my face, even laughing - I'd rather look well on the outside to cover up the path of destruction my body is currently on - because what is better to me, a comment or a sneer about 'looking well' or being told I look awful?? :).. I know it's certainly not the latter!

It's very difficult to try and explain exactly what it's like living with an invisible illness, but it's even more difficult trying to live your life with a body that is dying.
I still have a mind that wants to be like every other 20 year old girl, I have a mind that wants to be a fantastic fiancee, the perfect daughter, grandaughter, cousin, niece, friend. I have a mind that is not ready to slow down, a mind not ready to give up yet.
It's a very difficult process...
Particularly, when everything inside you is saying no, but you persist on saying yes.

What comes first nowadays? Health or life? It's a fine balance trying to keep both sides happy. A lot of negotiation, a lot of let-down and disappointment.
I wonder if on occasions I really should admit myself into hospital when I know I should or if it is important for me to attend whatever is planned and carry on living while I still have the ability to.

The health-side is dramatically and very rapidly taking over the life-side, I preferred to keep them apart because it didn't seem possible living in a world where I can keep both sides happy.
I'm always cancelling life things because of health and cancelling health things because of life...

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, I've also been doing a lot of sleeping and of course trying to live a 'normal' life! Oh and the odd moan here and there, woe is me... Self-pity hah, oiiiii I'm allowed the odd day!!

Anyway, sincere apologies for the serious lack of blogging. I will, I'm sure, find something exciting and thrilling to blog about very soon!

I did have 3 of my very lovely friends round this evening which was great!! Laughter is the best medicine :)!
Live, love, laugh.


Gem said...

I have to say, this blog entry is brilliant. I can relate to everything you've said here.

I hope things get easier for you soon!


Little Harriet said...

*Massive hugs*
Wish there was more that I could say. Sometimes it is all to easy to say 'I'm fine' and only a few people can tell that that isn't the case.


Gemma said...

Brilliant post hun, great way to get it accross xx

mogzi said...

Great post to read, makes people really understand walking in your shoes. Hope things get easier! Xx